Let’s begin with a story, this is the story of a God fearing brother who wrote down his experience to his younger sister, he shared with me this write up (and gave me permission to share it), his simple experience will help us see what we mean (certain details have been changed for identity sake & ease of communication);
– As we grow up and interact with the world around us, we don’t just pass through it, it passes through us, it shapes us and gives us values and ideals, Hollywood and the pop culture around us does this in particular, it defines for us what is beauty and what love is.
-And that is my story, I had embraced the idea of Hollywood and mingled it with own confused idea and from there I had woven what I defined as ‘beauty’ for the kind of woman I hoped to marry, my infatuation and what had become my obsession was a slim, tall, beautiful and light skinned lady; that I said to myself was beautiful.
-So I would meet a girl who was intelligent and feared God but because she was low in stature I dismissed her as a candidate in my mind, I would meet another one who was renewed in mind and character but because she was dark (as if I’m fair), I dismissed her, I would meet a Godly woman who had the heart for people but because she was a bit on the chubby side, I wouldn’t even see her.
-(Now hope u understand that there is nothing wrong about being fair or dark, tall or short, skinny or fat, but there
is everything wrong with these being the priority by which you choose a potential mate. For guys it might be looks, for girls it’s many times the same mundane physical things; like the tall, dark and handsome billionaire you see on all the Rom com’s etc)
-Then as I continued to grow more in Faith, studying scriptures and listening to teachings about these things, God began to reshape my mind, I listened to a message by T D Jakes and he said something like this ‘you want her to have the height of Tisha, the color of Sarah, the backside of Rita, the face of Mary, the voice of Angelina; you put all these together and all you’re going to end up producing is a Monster!’ and that’s exactly what happened to me.
– I first met Anna in a church meeting which involved camping for a few days, She came in late that day and it was a bit dark all I could notice was her tall figure and her quiet demeanor, that got my attention. Then the next day in the brightness of the morning I saw her clearly, it was like someone had stolen into my mind and stole all my specifications for a lady, this was exactly what I had constructed in my mind; she was tall, fair, quiet, pretty and lovely, I was beholding my dream and guess what? I totally ‘hated’ her, I ‘despised’ her from the pit of my stomach I.e. I couldn’t imagine me and her, I loved her as a good Christian sister but hated even the thought of her being my spouse, and I had no idea why. It was as if God was saying ‘oya this is what you wanted na, take’, the T D Jakes message came running back to my mind, I had now what I constructed and yet it felt like Frankenstein, I had made a monster, throughout the camp meeting this became more and more true in my mind (Please note, she as a person is a most wonderful person, inside and out, this is just what was happening within me).
-I had to go back and let God be the one to define beauty for me, I had to go and throw away all the garbage Hollywood had sold me of who a beautiful lady is, and knock off my romantic notions not in line with the Word. And my testimony is, God did, right now I could meet a lady prettier than Miss world, sexier than Beyonce, and more sassy than anything you can think of and if that lady does not have a heart for God, a character like Christ and a love for His Word she does not even appeal to me as a mate I.e. I literally cannot be interested in her, no matter what, she’s just not beautiful to me.
-The lesson I learned is simple and that’s what I’m trying to teach you Ellen; define beauty not on his bank account or broad shoulders or connections or his smooth tongue, a beautiful guy is first of all one who loves God and is a Son (not baby) of God, who has a vision for life and knows his purpose for living and is on that path, who’s character smells like Jesus’ and who can you can trust to lead you; closer to God and to your fulfillment of Gods purpose for you. If such a man finds you, ignore the fact he may be trekking in the immediate, ignore the fact he doesn’t look like Denzel Washington, ignore the fact he’s not from your Local Government Area or that you have a master’s and he only has a School leaving certificate, ignore those things and confirm in your spirit he’s the one and if so, follow him. You will thank me in the future.
-P.s. all I said has nothing to do with Anna as a person, she’s godly and beautiful. It was just a lesson God used her to enforce in my spirit, without her even knowing.
-A good summary is that, God knows us better than we know ourselves and many times the things we think we want are just attachments from this world’s culture, we can trust Him because He only gives us good gifts with no sorrow. The key is seeing things as Gods sees things and perceiving things as He does, that’s called being transformed by the renewing of our mind by the Word.
…your big bro,
Interestingly his definition of beautiful guy begins with God, the guy is suppose to smell like Jesus (I couldn’t say it better) and I believe it is same with the definition of beauty for the ladies.
This redefinition has become so necessary because the definition of beauty we have today has been made for us by a God-hostile system which glorifies the created rather than the creator. When you do not actively follow righteousness know that you are at best passively following unrighteousness, likewise ignoring God’s definition of beauty is embracing the world’s. Our complacency as the body of Christ on clearly stating values and our eagerness to listen to the pop culture around us has caused a blurring on our eyes such that we can’t see clearly anymore.
We have young people marching up the altar of the church wedding only to soon come down through the staircase of the world because of wrong definitions. If you are a guy; God wants you to marry a beautiful lady! And if you’re a lady; God wants you to marry a beautiful man! But with that beauty as defined by God.
This article does not downplay the importance of material things, physical looks and emotional attraction but merely points out, that should not be the measure of beauty or the primary criteria in choosing a spouse, remember Love is a choice and you can (and should) direct it in the direction of God’s wisdom. Derek Prince once shared the story of how God by a vision led him to marry a certain lady of which he complained to God ‘I just don’t love her!’, the more he prayed the stronger he felt this was God’s will, he finally resigned to obey God and on a certain day afterwards she came to visit him and while she sat and was speaking to him all of a sudden like a flood of love from heaven began to rush over him for her, he was so captivated with love for her, he had to strongly control himself to resist the urge of saying something (at the time she didn’t even know he had any intentions towards her). This has been the experience of several persons, and it follows many times that scriptural pattern; feelings follow faith, not the other way round.
And one of the most beautiful things about God’s definition of beauty is that it is not time bound, while the world see’s the aging woman as loosing in beauty, Christ declares that such a woman who keeps growing in godliness is more beautiful than ever.
Having come this far in understanding beauty as defined by God, I would say this; in choosing a spouse you will gravitate to your level, like I once heard it say ‘the best gift you can give your spouse of tomorrow is to better yourself today’ and this is quite true. Your major concern is not to go around looking for this ‘beautiful’ girl/guy, your major concern should be to cultivate the beauty of Christ in you, when it comes to finding that person the truth is that it is God who brings her/him, your job truly becomes to acknowledge her/him.
The point is this; the more godly and beautiful you become the better a spouse you become and the more accurately you will discern and choose the beautiful, godly spouse God desires for you.
Do not let your adornment be merely outward- arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
1 Pet 3:3,4